7 Signs Your Partner Is Too Selfish For A Relationship

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06/14/2016 06:10 pm ET

7 Signs Your Partner Is Too Selfish For A Relationship

If you’re only there to stroke his or her ego, it’s time to leave.


By Brittany Wong


“Wait, could you stop so I can get a selfie?”


Not everyone you find yourself attracted to is necessary cut out for a relationship. Unfortunately, some people have a long way to go until they’re compassionate and selfless enough to give out genuine love.

Below, therapists and other relationship experts share seven signs the person you’re seeing is too self-centered for a long-term relationship.

  1. They care more about your career than your character. 

If you never feel quite good enough for your partner — and she’s much more interested in what you do than who you are — consider it a big, glaring red flag, said Karyl McBride, a therapist and author of Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family.

“The ‘what you do’ may be status-oriented qualities, like looks or career accomplishments, but often it is about what you ‘do’ for her,” she said. “You will find that your partner is not as interested in who you really are as a person because she lacks the capacity to emotionally tune in and provide empathy. In this situation, you don’t feel seen or heard and often feel invisible.”

  1. You feel controlled by their many rules.

People with narcissistic personalities put high expectations on others — and when you fail to meet those expectations, judgement almost always follows, said Jan Hill, a Toronto-based counselor and author of Happy Sex: Putting Passion and Play Back into Your Relationship. 

“To help you meet those expectations, people with big egos establish rules,” she said. “For example, one narcissist I know wanted his girlfriend to give him 24-hour notice if she was going out with her friends and he wanted to know where she was going. Meanwhile, he maintained spontaneity in his own social life.”

Relationship rules that aren’t applied equally “create resentment, anger and shut down any possibilities for real, respectful and honest love,” Hill said.

  1. Your partner prioritizes “me” over “we.”

Your partner should value your opinion, embrace a team mentality and consider the collective couple when making decisions, said Samantha Burns, a Boston-based relationship counselor and dating coach. When you’re with a quality partner, your happiness matters just as much as hers.

“If she doesn’t stop to think about your preferences, she likely won’t be able to prioritize your happiness at any point,” Burns said. “This can lead to dissatisfaction, disconnection and a potential breakup.”

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  1. They sabotage your success.

A narcissistic personality will share the spotlight, but only up to a point. The second your success starts to overshadows his there’s bound to be trouble, Hill said.

“If you have your own career aspirations and your success could take the spotlight off him, he will sabotage you,” she said. “One classic sabotage technique is this: just before your big interview, your partner will make a demand of your time or have an emotional fit that will distract you from your goal and you will fail to achieve to the best of your potential because you were too busy helping out.”

  1. They never ask, “How was your day?” 

Getting home and ranting to your partner about subway outages and your crappy workday is one of the great joys of life. You deserve someone who not only asks, “how was your day, honey?” but actuallylistens to what you have to say, even if your response is 90 percent complaining, Burns said.

“It’s hard to feel like you really matter to someone who always dominates the conversation — it’s as if you’re only there to stroke his ego,” she said “To be with someone who never stops to ask about how your day was is a red flag. The one-sided dynamic can leave you in the shadows and unhappy.”

  1. They talk over you.

Good luck getting a word in edgewise; a self-centered partner seems to enjoy the sound of her voice a lot more than yours, said Debra Campbell, a psychologist and couple’s therapist in Melbourne, Australia.

“And when you disagree, your partner is more concerned with defending her position than acknowledging your point of view,” she said. “Feeling heard is a vital part of feeling loved, so the result is usually to feel emotionally sidelined when a partner consistently doesn’t listen well.”

  1. You have to beg your partner to do things you want to do.

Compromise is essential in any healthy relationship. It should worry you if your partner doesn’t care about your opinion, isn’t willing to take “no” for an answer or guilt trips you into making decisions, Burns said.

“You shouldn’t have to beg, nag or pull teeth to get your partner to participate in your activities, whether it’s the vacation spot you’ve been dying to get to, or the restaurant you want to try for dinner,” she said. “Your needs and wants are just as important as hers and you will likely grow resentful if your mate can’t create a healthy balance of compromise.”


A Mess Worth Making by Tim Lane and Paul Tripp

Relationships: A Mess Worth Making
By Timothy S. Lane and Paul David Tripp

CBN.com – Your best friend is suddenly cool and distant. Your spouse can’t stop complaining about your bad habits. Your son refuses to talk to you. What are you supposed to do?

Plans A, B, and C might be to shut down, lash out, or get out. But consider Plan D: Recognize that God has the last word on those messy, conflict-ridden relationships. He can use them to make you into someone who can give and receive love—with God and others.

In their book, Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, authors Tim Lane and Paul Tripp explore the stubborn problems that plague many close relationships. They offer these eight observations to help readers understand relationships and how God uses them in our lives.

You were made for relationships.

This fact takes us back to the beginning. It asks the basic questions, “Who are we, and how important are our relationships?” In Genesis 2:18, God says that it is not good for man to be “alone.” God created us to be relational beings because he is a social God. God lives in community within the Trinity as Father, Son, and Spirit, and he made humanity in his image. Genesis 2 is not speaking primarily to Adam’s experience of being lonely as much as it is revealing his nature as the person God created him to be. Because God created a communal being – someone designed for relationships – creation is incomplete without a suitable companion. While Genesis 2 does address how male and female complement each other, the implications are broader to include all human relationships. In addition, the word “helper,” used here for Eve, speaks throughout scripture of the complementary nature of all human relationships. “Helper” is used primarily to describe a companion, not a fellow laborer.

The reason we know this is true is that the word “helper” is often used to describe God’s relationship with his people. When used this way, it does not refer to God as our coworker or employee, but God as our ultimate companion, who brings things to the relationship that we could not bring ourselves (Ps. 27:9; 33:20-22). So God is not addressing Adam’s workload but rather the fact that he is a social being who lacks a suitable companion. Just as human beings were created with a vertical need for God’s companionship, they are also created for the horizontal companionship of other people.

In some way, all relationships are difficult.

While the first fact is exciting, we still have to deal with reality. All of our relationships are less than perfect. They require work if they are going to thrive. Quickly on the euphoric heels of Genesis 2 comes Genesis 3, where the entrance of sin brings frustration and confusion into relationships. In Genesis 3, man and woman engage in accusation and slander. Genesis 4 gets even worse, with a man murdering his own brother.

While many of us have not committed murder, we still live on the continuum between murder, accusation, and blame. No wonder our relationships are so messy! Our struggle with sin is constantly revealed in them. If you want to enjoy any progress or blessing in your relationships, it will require you to admit your sin humbly and commit yourself to the work they require.

Each of us is tempted to make relationships the end rather than the means.

When we reflect on Genesis 1-3, it becomes clear that the primary relationship Adam and Eve were intended to enjoy was their relationship with God. This vertical communion with God would provide the foundation for the horizontal community they were to have with each other. Everything God made pointed Adam and Eve to the primacy of their relationship with him. All of creation was to function as an arrow pointing to God. But in our sin we tend to treat people and creation as more important. The very things God created to reveal his glory become instead the glory we desire. We settle for the satisfaction of human relationships when they were meant to point us to the perfect relational satisfaction found only with God. The irony is that when we reverse the order like this and elevate creation above Creator, we destroy the relationships God intended – and would have enabled – us to enjoy.

There are no secrets that guarantee problem-free relationships.

We all look for strategies or techniques that will free us from the pain of relationships and the hard work good relationships demand. We hope that better planning, more effective communication, clear role definitions, conflict resolution strategies, gender studies, and personality typing – to name just a few – will make the difference. There may be value in these things, but if they were all we needed, Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection would be unnecessary or, at best, redundant.

Skills and techniques appeal to us because they promise that relational problems can be fixed by tweaking our behavior without altering the bent of our hearts. But the Bible says something very different. It says that Christ is the only real hope for relationships because only he can dig deep enough to address the core motivations and desires of our hearts.

At some point you will wonder whether relationships are worth it.

At some point, each of us will become discouraged and disappointed with a relationship. The health and maturity of a relationship are not measured by an absence of problems, but by the way the inevitable problems are handled. Because human conflict is the result of the spiritual battles in our hearts, wise relationships always seek to be aware of that deeper struggle. Even in times of peace, you must be vigilant regarding the way your relationships can be hijacked by the underlying desires of your hearts, which are subtly and constantly shifting.

How do you deal with relational disappointments? Do you blame, deny, run away, avoid, threaten, and manipulate? Or do you speak the truth, exhibit patience, approach people gently, ask for and grant forgiveness, overlook minor offenses, encourage and honor others? Let’s admit that these questions touch us where we live from day to day. True Christian maturity does not get any more practical and concrete!

God keeps us in messy relationships for his redemptive purpose.

This sixth fact reminds us that the very thing we would naturally seek to avoid is what God has chosen to use to make us more like him! Have you ever wondered why God doesn’t just make your relationships better overnight? We often think that if God really cared for us, he would make our relationships easier. In reality, a difficult relationship is a mark of his love and care. We would prefer that God would just change the relationship, but he won’t be content until the relationship changes us too. This is how God created relationships to function.

What happens in the messiness of relationships is that our hearts are revealed, our weaknesses are exposed, and we start coming to the end of ourselves. Only when this happens do we reach out for the help God alone can provide.

While we would like to avoid the mess and enjoy deep and intimate community, God says that it is in the very process of working through the mess that intimacy is found.

The fact that our relationships work as well as they do is a sure sign of grace.

One of the biggest impediments we face in relationships is our spiritual blindness. We frequently do not see our sin, nor do we see the many ways in which God protects us and others from it. God constantly protects us from ourselves by restraining our sin. We are a lot like Elisha’s servant in 2 Kings 6:15-22. He was overwhelmed by the enemy army that surrounded him until God opened his eyes to see the far more formidable army of angels God had sent to protect him. Why was it that the servant could see only the enemies surrounding Israel but not “the hills full of horses and chariots of fire” from the Lord? It was the spiritual blindness of unbelief.

How do you measure your potential in relationships? Do you measure the size of the problems or the magnitude of God’s presence in your midst? Considering our sin, it is amazing that people get along at all! Each night, the evening news begins with a litany of murders, rapes, and robberies that suggest that your community is a very dangerous place. Yet it fails to cite the thousands of good things people do to make that same community livable. Our view of our relationships can be just as slanted. We tend to see sins, weaknesses, and failures rather than the good things God is accomplishing. If you look for God in your relationships, you will always find things to be thankful for.

Scripture offers a clear and attractive hope for our relationships.

Does the challenge and mess of relationships leave you discouraged? Does the biblical honesty about human community shock you? Are you feeling overwhelmed by the hard work relationships require? If so, you are ready for this last fact: The shattered relationship between Father, Son, and Holy Spirit at the cross provides the basis for our reconciliation. No other relationship ever suffered more than what Father, Son, and Holy Spirit endured when Jesus hung on the cross and cried, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Jesus was willing to be the rejected Son so that our families would know reconciliation. Jesus was willing to become the forsaken friend so that we could have loving friendships. Jesus was willing to be the rejected Lord so that we could live in loving submission to one another. Jesus was willing to be the forsaken brother so that we could have godly relationships. Jesus was willing to be the crucified King so that our communities would experience peace. In his life, death, and resurrection, Jesus brought reconciliation in two fundamental ways. Jesus reconciled us to God, which then becomes the foundation for the way he reconciles us to one another. When God reigns in our hearts, peace reigns in our relationships.

This work will only be complete in heaven, but there is much we can enjoy now. The New Testament offers hope that our relationships can be characterized by things like humility, gentleness, patience, edifying honesty, peace, forgiveness, compassion, and love. Isn’t it wonderful that God’s grace can make this possible even for sinners in a fallen world! This hope challenges whatever complacency and discouragement we might have about our relationships because there is always more growth, peace, and blessing that God’s grace can bring, even here on earth.

Purchase your copy of Relationships: A Mess Worth Making

Adapted from Relationships: A Mess Worth Making by Timothy S. Lane and Paul David Tripp. Used by permission of New Growth Press, Greensboro, North Carolina, http://www.newgrowthpress.com. Article provided courtesy of The B&B Media Group.


Get Dressed
Don’t participate in the darkness of wild parties and drunkenness, or in sexual promiscuity and immoral living, or in quarreling and jealousy. Instead, clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don’t let yourself think about ways to indulge your evil desires. (Romans 13:13-14)

Chapter 10: Single Sexuality

Chapter 10: Single Sexuality

If you find yourself tempted, ask God to speak to your heart. Ultimately, He’s who you’ll have to answer to. And if you place your trust in Him, I know that you will find Him faithful; faithful to you and faithful to His plan for you life. Don’t miss Him and miss His best for you.

If you become involved in a sexual relationship with someone you are not married to, or even if you decide to begin dating before you are divorced, you’ll likely start realizing that you are hiding from just about everyone. We talked about Adam and Eve in the garden, after they had given in to their temptation, tried to “hide” from God. If you truly believe that God is in this, why are you hiding? Why are you hiding from family, hiding from friends who care about you- you’re probably even trying to hide from God.

We talked a little before about rebounding, even in the Finance video discussion. Rebounding from the pain and trying to make ourselves feel better by buying stuff; clothing, jewelry, a new car. It’s often the same situation with our newly single sexuality. We’ve been rejected by the one person who promised that they wouldn’t– the one person that we counted on to be by our side. Wasn’t I (fill in the blank) enough? And it cuts us to the core. But what we really need, despite the recommendations of others, is to focus on ourselves and get comfortable in our singleness, be open to what God is teaching us, heal up from this hurt, and leave all that baggage behind, rather than bringing that into a new relationship.

Here’s my point- indulgence in a sexual relationship outside of marriage results in, most important to this discussion, a screwed-up relationship with God. Sure, you reject the friends and family that disagree with you, and have counseled against this, and eventually you’ll find other “friends” who won’t challenge you in your walk– friends who “just accept you”- yes, it’s easy to find replacements like that; the path of least resistance and all. “I’ll surround myself with people who make me feel good about my sin.” Nobody would admit to that, but thats what we do. These sorts of “friends” are all around us. But, you won’t be able to silence God’s voice. How long can you ignore that?

I don’t know how long I could hold out, either, so please know that we have a real heart of compassion for you. But please also know that I’m praying for you all that God’s grace would abound to you and that YOU would abound in grace, too.

DATING and the Single Parent

Dating and the Single Parent – Save $14

Dating and the Single ParentDating and the Single Parent by Ron L. Deal

Single parents who are dating or want to begin a dating relationship wonder, How will dating affect my children and my parenting? They probably have figured out that “dating in a crowd” is complicated. Now they’re looking for help.

Ron Deal, who has counseled single parents and remarried couples for many years, helps single parents – as well as those who date them – navigate the potential pitfalls involved. He gives perspective on when a relationship may be harmful to the children as well as how it can be a blessing to all. Always at the forefront is the goal of strengthening families. Includes questions for individual or group study.

Are you Feeding the right Wolf?


The Two Wolves Within

An old Cherokee told his grandson
‘Two wolves rage within us,

One is Evil, it has many names:
Anger, envy, jealousy,
Sorrow, regret, greed,
Arrogance, self-pity, guilt,
Resentment, inferiority, lies,
False-pride, superiority and ego.

The other is Good, it has many hues:
Joy, peace, love, hope,
Serenity, humility, kindness,
Benevolence, empathy, generosity,
Truth, compassion and faith.’

The grandson thought for a minute
And asked: ‘Which Wolf wins?’
The Cherokee simply replied:
‘The one you feed!’
Author: Zoya Zaidi
Aligarh (UP), India
Copyright©: Zoya Zaidi


New Relationships Chapter 7

So, When do you think one is ready for a ‘New Relationship’?  Three months after the spouse has left?  When one is lonely? Or, ‘put a bandage on my Soul-wound would you… Or simply ‘when one feels like being with another person’? These are all a rather shaky ‘foundation’ for a marital relationship, don’t you think? Would you want someone to chose to go out with YOU for any one of these reasons?

All dating should be ‘data collecting’  time.  What kind of data do you want to collect? How much do you think you should tell about your marriage relationship woes?  Girls, if you tell a guy about how wrongly your husband treated you… do you think he will be careful NOT to treat you the same way….  well at lease while you are dating? Guys, how many girls will take you to bed because they know you are easily addicted to this kind of relationship? If you want to get serious, why not start with a list of attributes you want in your next partner, and seek those answers out? You could ask what they do for fun? What do they think of organized religion, How do they feel about God being taken out of school, Abortion, the Bible is it true? The casinos? Cheating?  what do they think about communication? What do they think is the hardest thing about relationship? What do they think about sex before marriage?  What do they do to pass time in pleasure? Note how they talk to strangers, how they spend their money, or feel towards people who spend a lot or save a lot… Need I go on?  (there are lots of books about this kind of thing)

Many people don’t realize that children have a HUGE impact on the relationship. This is NOT an easily blended situation even though at first both people involved want it to be!  Many want it to be so badly that they are in absolute denial of how the potential partner treats their children around them and or even behind their back. (giving them everything they want or buying them in relationship against previous spouse! Women especially are loyal to their children over their new husband and if they aren’t they are often stressed trying to be fair between the two!  Children often feel threatened of their security with mom. Even adult children sometimes resent the non-blood new spouse person!

What are your feeling towards your X-spouse? Have you reckoned with what went wrong? Do you know for sure you won’t pick the same character again? Have you released them from ‘paybacks’? Have you forgiven them? Do you want to hurt the next person you love, by taking out on them the anger you have subconsciously, towards the X? Are you healthy? I mean really,  do you have a clean bill of health for a New Relationship, physically and emotionally  and spiritually?

Is Jesus-God-the Holy Spirit CENTER of your life?  Is this relationship good and strong and Real? Can you be happy and successful in your life if you possibly never have another marital relationship?  They proceed with caution and prayer! God Bless!