7 Signs Your Partner Is Too Selfish For A Relationship

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06/14/2016 06:10 pm ET

7 Signs Your Partner Is Too Selfish For A Relationship

If you’re only there to stroke his or her ego, it’s time to leave.

 

By Brittany Wong

JACQUIE BOYD VIA GETTY IMAGES

“Wait, could you stop so I can get a selfie?”

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Not everyone you find yourself attracted to is necessary cut out for a relationship. Unfortunately, some people have a long way to go until they’re compassionate and selfless enough to give out genuine love.

Below, therapists and other relationship experts share seven signs the person you’re seeing is too self-centered for a long-term relationship.

  1. They care more about your career than your character. 

If you never feel quite good enough for your partner — and she’s much more interested in what you do than who you are — consider it a big, glaring red flag, said Karyl McBride, a therapist and author of Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family.

“The ‘what you do’ may be status-oriented qualities, like looks or career accomplishments, but often it is about what you ‘do’ for her,” she said. “You will find that your partner is not as interested in who you really are as a person because she lacks the capacity to emotionally tune in and provide empathy. In this situation, you don’t feel seen or heard and often feel invisible.”

  1. You feel controlled by their many rules.

People with narcissistic personalities put high expectations on others — and when you fail to meet those expectations, judgement almost always follows, said Jan Hill, a Toronto-based counselor and author of Happy Sex: Putting Passion and Play Back into Your Relationship. 

“To help you meet those expectations, people with big egos establish rules,” she said. “For example, one narcissist I know wanted his girlfriend to give him 24-hour notice if she was going out with her friends and he wanted to know where she was going. Meanwhile, he maintained spontaneity in his own social life.”

Relationship rules that aren’t applied equally “create resentment, anger and shut down any possibilities for real, respectful and honest love,” Hill said.

  1. Your partner prioritizes “me” over “we.”

Your partner should value your opinion, embrace a team mentality and consider the collective couple when making decisions, said Samantha Burns, a Boston-based relationship counselor and dating coach. When you’re with a quality partner, your happiness matters just as much as hers.

“If she doesn’t stop to think about your preferences, she likely won’t be able to prioritize your happiness at any point,” Burns said. “This can lead to dissatisfaction, disconnection and a potential breakup.”

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  1. They sabotage your success.

A narcissistic personality will share the spotlight, but only up to a point. The second your success starts to overshadows his there’s bound to be trouble, Hill said.

“If you have your own career aspirations and your success could take the spotlight off him, he will sabotage you,” she said. “One classic sabotage technique is this: just before your big interview, your partner will make a demand of your time or have an emotional fit that will distract you from your goal and you will fail to achieve to the best of your potential because you were too busy helping out.”

  1. They never ask, “How was your day?” 

Getting home and ranting to your partner about subway outages and your crappy workday is one of the great joys of life. You deserve someone who not only asks, “how was your day, honey?” but actuallylistens to what you have to say, even if your response is 90 percent complaining, Burns said.

“It’s hard to feel like you really matter to someone who always dominates the conversation — it’s as if you’re only there to stroke his ego,” she said “To be with someone who never stops to ask about how your day was is a red flag. The one-sided dynamic can leave you in the shadows and unhappy.”

  1. They talk over you.

Good luck getting a word in edgewise; a self-centered partner seems to enjoy the sound of her voice a lot more than yours, said Debra Campbell, a psychologist and couple’s therapist in Melbourne, Australia.

“And when you disagree, your partner is more concerned with defending her position than acknowledging your point of view,” she said. “Feeling heard is a vital part of feeling loved, so the result is usually to feel emotionally sidelined when a partner consistently doesn’t listen well.”

  1. You have to beg your partner to do things you want to do.

Compromise is essential in any healthy relationship. It should worry you if your partner doesn’t care about your opinion, isn’t willing to take “no” for an answer or guilt trips you into making decisions, Burns said.

“You shouldn’t have to beg, nag or pull teeth to get your partner to participate in your activities, whether it’s the vacation spot you’ve been dying to get to, or the restaurant you want to try for dinner,” she said. “Your needs and wants are just as important as hers and you will likely grow resentful if your mate can’t create a healthy balance of compromise.”

 

GOD SAYS

Get Dressed
Don’t participate in the darkness of wild parties and drunkenness, or in sexual promiscuity and immoral living, or in quarreling and jealousy. Instead, clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don’t let yourself think about ways to indulge your evil desires. (Romans 13:13-14)

Emotional Affairs

Emotional Cheating: Are You Guilty?
.By Marianne Wait
WebMD FeatureReviewed by Arefa Cassoobhoy, MD, MPH
Like many women, René (who asked that only her middle name be used), a writer from northern New Jersey, had two husbands: a regular spouse and a “work husband,” a man — interesting, smart, funny — with whom she spent 9 hours a day. The chemistry was obvious, but nothing ever “happened.” Or did it?

They made a beeline for each other every morning, and their chats became more and more personal. “I definitely talked to him about things I didn’t talk to my husband about, including my husband, because my marriage was so unhappy,” René says. He sat a little too close at meetings. She admits she fantasized about a relationship.

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Was she cheating? Gail Saltz, MD, associate professor of psychiatry at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell School of Medicine, says “probably.”

“Many of these emotional affairs do move into a sexual affair,” Saltz says. “If they don’t, it’s easy enough to say to yourself that you’re not doing anything wrong.”

The problem, she says, is the attachment to this other person impacts the marriage. “Ultimately it ends painfully one way or another: Your marriage ends, or you’ve got to give this person up.” René’s marriage eventually ended in divorce, but this doesn’t have to happen to you.

Continue reading below…
Often, people who become involved in emotional affairs feel something is lacking at home. “It makes them feel good to feel understood, to feel desired. It’s like candy. You go home and have your vegetables, and you go to work and you have candy.”

For some spouses — more often women, Saltz says — learning of an emotional affair can be worse than discovering sexual infidelity. “Everybody understands a sexual act need not necessarily contain affection or intimacy. It could be literally about a sexual act. Whereas the emotional affair feels like it’s much more about being connected, about loving or liking.”

Signs You’ve Crossed the Line
According to Saltz, these seven red flags suggest you may have entered into an emotional affair:

1.You spend a lot of emotional energy on the person. “You end up sharing stuff that you don’t even share with your partner — hopes and dreams, things that would actually connect you to your partner.”
2.You dress up for that person.
3.You make a point to find ways to spend time together, and that time becomes very important to you.
4.You’d feel guilty if your partner saw you together; you are doing things and saying things that you would never do or say in front of your spouse.
5.You share your feelings of marital dissatisfaction.
6.You’re keeping secret the amount of time you’re spending with the person (including emailing, calling, texting).
7.You start to feel dependent on the emotional high that comes with the relationship.

Why are relationship struggles so disappointing?


Why are relationship struggles so disappointing? Why do the problems we have with other people affect us so powerfully? Why is relational disappointment one of the hardest disappointments for all of us to face? Let me suggest some reasons.

1. You were created to be a social being:

You and I were never designed to live in isolation. We weren’t wired to be distant from and unaffected by the people around us. In fact, since we were created in God’s likeness, desire for and participation in community is a fundamental part of our humanity. The God who made us in his likeness not only does community, he is a community!

To deny this aspect of your daily life would literally be to deny your humanity. There would be something dramatically wrong with you if you removed yourself completely from other people. What this means is that the hurts of relationships cut deep. In a real way they touch the essence of who God made you to be, and because of this they’re not to be taken lightly.

2. We all enter our relationships with unrealistic expectations:

Somehow, someway, we’re able to deceive ourselves into thinking that we’ll be able to avoid the difficulties that attend any relationship in this broken world. In the early days of a relationship we work to convince ourselves that we’re more righteous, and the other person more perfect, than they and we actually are.

This causes us to be shocked when an unexpected but inevitable difficulty gets in the way of the bliss that we had convinced ourselves we had finally found. Here’s where the Bible is so helpful. It’s very honest about the messiness and disappointment that everyone deals with in every relationship they have.

3. We all seek identity in our relationships:

What does this mean? It means that we tend to look for fundamental personal meaning, purpose and sense of well-being from other people. In doing this, we turn people into our own personal messiahs, seeking to get from them what no other human being is ever able to deliver. That other person is not supposed to be the thing that gets you up in the morning. They’re not to be what makes life worth living for you.

When they’re in this place, you’ve given them too much power and you’re asking of them something that no flawed human being can ever pull off. On the other hand, when you’re getting your foundational sense of well-being from the Lord, you’re then able to step into the inevitable messiness of relationships this side of heaven, and be neither anxious nor self-protective.

4. Our relationships are more about our little kingdoms than the kingdom of God:

Without being aware of it, our relationships are often about what we want out of our lives rather than what God wants for our lives. So we have an “I love you and have a wonderful plan for your life” approach to relationships with other people. Often we’re disappointed with a relationship at the very moment when God is producing through this relationship exactly what he wanted to produce. Our problem is that our agenda doesn’t agree with God’s!

So, there are reasons for our disappointments but there’s grace for them as well. The God who will take us where we didn’t plan to go in order to produce in us what we couldn’t achieve on our own will also give us the grace to hang in there as he uses the messy disappointment of relationships to change and grow us and others.

God bless

Paul David Tripp

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Reflection Questions

Reflect on two or three significant relationships in your life. Evaluate the spiritual health of these relationships by asking yourself the following three questions:

  1. How might you be asking these relationships to fuel your personal identity? Why is this dangerous?
  2. How self-serving are you in these relationships? Where you can be more self-sacrificing?
  3. How can you make these relationships more about the Kingdom of God?
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THE COUNSELOR

THE COUNSELOR

This spot is for posting Layers in the area you would or would not recommend, through comments. Thank you from all future needs of DivorceCare people coming here!

New Relationships Chapter 7

So, When do you think one is ready for a ‘New Relationship’?  Three months after the spouse has left?  When one is lonely? Or, ‘put a bandage on my Soul-wound would you… Or simply ‘when one feels like being with another person’? These are all a rather shaky ‘foundation’ for a marital relationship, don’t you think? Would you want someone to chose to go out with YOU for any one of these reasons?

All dating should be ‘data collecting’  time.  What kind of data do you want to collect? How much do you think you should tell about your marriage relationship woes?  Girls, if you tell a guy about how wrongly your husband treated you… do you think he will be careful NOT to treat you the same way….  well at lease while you are dating? Guys, how many girls will take you to bed because they know you are easily addicted to this kind of relationship? If you want to get serious, why not start with a list of attributes you want in your next partner, and seek those answers out? You could ask what they do for fun? What do they think of organized religion, How do they feel about God being taken out of school, Abortion, the Bible is it true? The casinos? Cheating?  what do they think about communication? What do they think is the hardest thing about relationship? What do they think about sex before marriage?  What do they do to pass time in pleasure? Note how they talk to strangers, how they spend their money, or feel towards people who spend a lot or save a lot… Need I go on?  (there are lots of books about this kind of thing)

Many people don’t realize that children have a HUGE impact on the relationship. This is NOT an easily blended situation even though at first both people involved want it to be!  Many want it to be so badly that they are in absolute denial of how the potential partner treats their children around them and or even behind their back. (giving them everything they want or buying them in relationship against previous spouse! Women especially are loyal to their children over their new husband and if they aren’t they are often stressed trying to be fair between the two!  Children often feel threatened of their security with mom. Even adult children sometimes resent the non-blood new spouse person!

What are your feeling towards your X-spouse? Have you reckoned with what went wrong? Do you know for sure you won’t pick the same character again? Have you released them from ‘paybacks’? Have you forgiven them? Do you want to hurt the next person you love, by taking out on them the anger you have subconsciously, towards the X? Are you healthy? I mean really,  do you have a clean bill of health for a New Relationship, physically and emotionally  and spiritually?

Is Jesus-God-the Holy Spirit CENTER of your life?  Is this relationship good and strong and Real? Can you be happy and successful in your life if you possibly never have another marital relationship?  They proceed with caution and prayer! God Bless!

 

 

 

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So love and enjoy the people who treat you right.. seek them out, regular-like! Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. Look carefully in each picture for the cat as it makes its way down from the roof to the dog.

So love and enjoy the people who treat you right.. seek them out, regular-like! Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. Look carefully in each picture for the cat as it makes its way down from the roof to the dog.

The story behind this picture is this:
Every day – at the same time – she, the dog, waits for him, cat.
Sometimes she barks to call him.
He comes; they rub and greet each other and they go for a walk.
They have done this for 5 years and no, they don’t belong to the same owners. The owners didn’t know until neighbors, seeing them together so frequently, commented to the cat’s owner, who then followed the dog home and discovered it was a distance away, not in a house close by or next door. How it started no one knows.

Wouldn’t it be great to have friends like this, always there, no words needed, they just intuitively recognize the value of each other in their lives and act accordingly. Live, Laugh, Love. Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference.

A wise person once said, “There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy.” It is a choice.

Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.

Delightful

Those of you who took the Safe People class will probably recall that we “need relationship”, God made us for Relationship, not with only each other in a marriage! God made us part of “the spiritual Body” and it was noted that when we have lots of path-crossing Relationship exchange on the weekend, our Monday mornings are not BLUE BLAH MONDAYS! And this one tomorrow will not be.

We had some good relating this weekend. Friday night we just spur of the moment decided to go to the Douglassville Diner for salad bar.
Shortly after arrival we found Jay…eating by himself. We invited him to come to our table and visited until we were done desert! It was wonderful We had time to get to visit with him more.

Saturday morning we headed to the Vet, picked up meds, went for Star Bucks coffee, and headed out to That Pet Place in Centerville, with the dog. She wow-ed folks there with her “Prayer” stance! She can do what “Jango” on you tube does, (just search for the praying dog.) She is such a good dog. Then we got back on the road again and went to find Kelly. (She came Thursday nights all summer) She lives in a really neat old farm house in the farm hinterlands, among the Amish near Quarryville. It was an absolute delight to see her, make sure she was OK, well as OK as you can be in these circumstances… She was cleaning house in prep for company, so we helped. I did the sink of dishes, and Rick stuck wood matches in some holes and added bigger screws to put one of her doors hinges back in operation. It was a lovely visit of about two to three hours and we were back on the road again!

When we got home… Rick said, “That felt like a “date” we had today, I liked it!” I felt the same, and agreed with him! I decided to tell you-all about it because you all keep this distance like you don’t want to intrude on our “marriage”! Huh?! We love it! People… We might have each other, but that isn’t “all there is to life”. All relationships need a healthy mix of “other people” in their lives. We have met people who had no outside the marriage friends..let me tell, that’s NOT HEALTHY! We, Rick and I, get to talk everyday, and its very boring if we can’t say who we saw and what they had to say. We talk when we walk the dog, we talk when we meet up when I get home from work and while we eat…that is just about aplenty! After that, we do our own individual thing, work, internet, listen to radio sermons, speakers, programs, music, …sewing projects, stringing beads, all those things that need to be done, pet the cats, clean the house,… think about what God is teaching, showing and wanting us to do…and read those books too. Sometimes, that “other things” include “God’s little Interruptions, perhaps Relationship with You! It could be hearing you, encouraging you, sharing with you. We are well educated in how to take care of “our relationship” and still have time to include you. So please, don’t EVER again think that you are taking us away from “our time” together. We will manage that, you don’t need to! We aren’t that “in demand”! And if we were, we would go where we could not be found! We don’t have children, never did, so you can maybe see how that frees us up for the Need even, of other loving relationships.

Thank you Jay and Kelly for relationship this weekend!

Rick and DeEtta and in Kelly’s case, Heidi too!!!

Group Picture …………………..Help for those hurting from Separation and Divorce…… here, on the “The SunPorch”, is a peaceful place where the local DivorceCare Support Group meets, where the pain can be shared and maybe even a bit relieved. There is lots of caring, sharing, information, encouragement & fellowship, just to help you to take care of Yourself. For more information go to luvcuddlecats Meeting Address is: 320 E. Howard St. Stowe, PA. 19464. Phone:610-326-6726 See you soon, OK? (back of house)