2. The “nice” behavior leaves uncertainty in others in that they can not be sure of support in crisis situation that demand candor or in confrontation with others.
3. “Nice” behavior stifles growth by depriving others level feedback and a “real” person to relate to. This tends to force others to turn their aggression inward against themselves. Guilt and depression can follow.
4. The chronic “niceness” leaves others uncertain whether the relationship could withstand a conflict or sustain angry, spontaneous, confrontation. Intimacy is limited by a felt need to be constantly on guard.
5. “Nice” guys are more subject to periodic rage explosions, which erupt unexpectedly when others are unprepared for it.
6. Physical ills can abound!
Therefore, it’s not really nice to play nice!
This young man is amazing and a great inspiration to do God’s work.
There is a lot to be ANGRY about! There is betrayal hurt, lies, loss of dreams, debt, loss of companionship, loss of some family and some friends, your home,… What are you doing with YOUR anger? Anger wrongly SUPPRESSED or wrongly EXPRESSED can hurt you and those who love you, in the short or long run.
As you think back on issues regarding anger that struck you as you watched the video, evaluate yourself and your responses throughout this week.
Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin”. What kind of anger is sinful? How would you instruct someone as to the difference between good anger and bad? Do you express good anger and not feel guilty about it? (!!) What can anger “stuffed” do to hurt you or your ‘temple’? Do yourself a favor and find someone “safe” to express your anger to. (And its not someone who says, “now don’t be angry”…!) Write out your anger on paper, then put it down. How does this feel? Is there release?
What does God say about Revenge? (Romans 12:19, 2 Thessalonians 1:6) You can have victory over bad anger in your life by letting the Holy Spirit guide you. (Galatians 5:16, Ephesians 3:16 )
Our goal then, is to feel the anger, identify all that we feel and are angry about, with regard to our wayward spouse, that addicted spouse who was not there for Relationship, the verbally/physically abusive spouse who destroyed rather then blessed us, and the absent spouse who abandoned Relationship.
If you can deal with your anger in a healthy healing way, your life will be more peaceful, contented and serene. Eventually, even praying for that person’s soul can help. If there is a root of bitterness growing in your soul, you may find yourself continuously making sarcastic remarks about the wayward spouse. You may find yourself hoping for evil to befall them. Or you may hear yourself whining about how they are getting away with…… Don’t you worry, God promises that we all reap what we sow. There are consequences to wrong choices. Life here is short. Our pain from this ‘swat’ of the devil origin, will heal. We may have a scar, but God promises that all things can work together for good for those who love Him and put Him front and Center. (Romans 8:28)
Any additions, discoveries in your homework, or epiphanies this week?
Never did Rose even dream of she and the Cheater getting back together, after all this was even the second time! Rose came to DivorceCare in September of 2008, so angry that she would have paid a hit man to kill both the husband and the girlfriend! But then she didn’t want to go to jail for them either! She had a pet name for that girlfriend. WTW! (white trash whore) And that is exactly what she call her, to him. This apparently drove her husband a bit crazy and one night they came nose to nose in a verbal confrontation about the name. Matter of fact even the state police were called out to the house there was such a scene. (Do you want to hear her favorite song? Go to right side link and listen to Before He Cheats song)
Rose, who hadn’t gone to church in years and years, decided she was going back to church. She must have heard the Holy Spirits voice and followed because she was there every week, and on top of it all, she began praying for her son to come, she wanted him to know God too. Her prayers were answered one Sunday when her son arrived on Mother’s day in the sanctuary and surprised her as he knew it was a gift she would easily appreciate, and it only cost him a little time. I remember she had tears in her eyes.
As far as the ‘X’ was concerned, When he left, he said all the usual things, including, “I don’t love you anymore.” …I want a Divorce, and when are you going to put the house on the market. After that he simply kept asking when the house was going to put on the market. He wanted it put up for sale and he wanted the money. Rose, a strong and stubborn girl said, “No Way! This is MY home, and if he wants out of this marriage he is going to have to pay!” When he left, he said all the usual things, including, “I don’t love you anymore.”
Rose found herself a friend in DivorceCare and these girls got together fairly often and did things together. Rose and her new friend laughed a lot together, they went to ball games together and took the courses together, they grew emotionally healthy within themselves and grew in their relationships with the Lord.
Time trudged on, Rose took all the Relational courses we offered. ‘Safe People’, ‘The DNA of Relationship’, and ‘Love and Respect’. Some of these in fact were marriage classes but she was interested in getting married again, however, this time, things were going to be different. This time God would be first in her world, front and Center!
There was one really big impact on Rose in particular that is worth mentioning. In the Love and Respect class, Rose took, she listened to Mrs Eggrich speak to the perfectionist woman. What she heard blew her mind. “Oh my! I have to apologize to Jeffery! That is me what she is speaking about, I had no idea how that affected him!” And you know what, she did. I don’t know when, but she did it. She recognized her failure/unlovingness as a loving wife in a certain big deal area and took responsibility for that.
Apparently Jeff saw something happening in Rose. (When you truly grow and it isn’t an ‘act’, most of the time you aren’t even aware of the nuances of change within.) You may wonder how that happened with so little supposed interaction, but in fact they did go to their sons’ ball games together and her soon to be ‘X’ even sat with her because there wasn’t anyone else he knew! Thus he seem to notice a change in her. She was kinder, didn’t quite act like she did before, and didn’t quite talk like she did before… So he asked her what was different about her. Well she said she was going back to church and she wasn’t putting God on the back burner anymore. Matter of fact she told him, that’s what you should do, get going to church! Matter of fact that wasn’t all he needed, he should go to get some counseling as he clearly had issues big time and the only way she saw any help for him, was that he find God and a counselor.As time went on Rose loved being alone. She saw the benefits of it and went Jeff wanted to come see her one night, she told him “No”, because she wanted to be alone.
Jeff and his girlfriend broke up, he moved back with his parents, apparently in verbal spat the girlfriend told Jeff he was the problem… and that stuck him as he had hear this somewhere before! Life just wasn’t going very well for him. In a chat with his Rose, she had told him that he had a lot of issues he really needed to work on and furthermore, he should try going to church! So, one Sunday morning he went for his usual coffee and newspaper, took a drive past the church of his choice and went home, dressed up in his suit and off he went, to a church where he knew an old friend who he also knew was the pastor. That man answered a lot of his questions, (he had thought God was just about rules, and no fun.. He had been a man that loved fun!
It came time for their son to go to college, and he needed to be driven down to the airport. Her soon to be X asked if she wanted to ride together, and she had no problem with that. On the way home, Dad took mom to breakfast. They sat and began to talk. We aren’t talking surface talk here. they talked.
Jeff continued going to his church, and Rose to her’s. Their son didn’t want to see mom get hurt again, and was rather upset when he learned they were “seeing each other”. Mom knew this was her relationship to manage and she ignored but appreciated her son’s concerns. They started to date. Eventually they came to the Love and Respect class (again for her) together.
Rose was not taking any chances. This man had lots to prove of himself. She let him sleep over on on the weekends, but not in her bed oh no she didn’t! It was four years till she let him move back in! Count them people… FOUR LONG YEARS of watching his walk, from leaving till back to cleaving! She had a list she wrote up of things that had to change. No, Jeffrey did not know of the list, nor did he ever find out! (smart ‘card’ player Rose, never show all your cards, never.) That whole list to this day is Rose’s secret. I don’t even know what all is on that list! She will tell you, however, that she expected him to get tested for AIDS and STD’s. He humbly complied. No argument, no snottiness, no questions why…he knew why, and no demeaning attitude or words towards her for her answers.
Rose never lead him down the “correct” path, she didn’t “parent him”, she didn’t treat him bad or like a child. Albeit she did tell him You need God and counseling. She watched his walk, and saw for herself a new and different man emerging. She watched, listened and took his behavior in. and after several YEARS, people, (no lack of wisdom in the woman) And so, in 2012, they renewed their vows, bought new rings. It is a beautiful sight to see, God’s love in these wo delightful people. They are a new and very loving warm, couple.
I know that what Rose says is true because Rose came to our DivorceCare in the Sept. of 2008. I saw her pain, I heard her anger, I/we have had the pleasure of watching her grow, hearing of Jeff’s presence back in her life and met him in class. At no point did I feel that he was unsafe nor that I needed to caution Rose. As previously stated, they renewed their vows and they are a delightful couple to listen to. Neither one controls the other, they are on a New Adventure in Life, seeking God’s purposes, relationship with Him, friendship in the family of God as well as a service to Him. One cannot deny the peace, love, and contentment in them now that God through Jesus Is their Center.
We are proud to know them!
Probably, at this point, you deal with some anger- maybe a lot of it. But, as we saw in the video series, its okay to be angry; what’s important is how we express our anger. Many of us shared some experiences with our anger. We saw some examples of expressing anger in unhealthy, un-helpful ways, from the “rage-aholic”, to the passive, silent treatment. Hopefully, you identified ways you can better handle your anger. We don’t want our anger, and the expressions of our anger, to further harm us, and thereby hurt others that we care about.
Please, bust open your workbook- check out the “On My Own” section in the Anger chapter. You’ll see how much hope there is for you.
What are you thinking today? Have you seen some effects of your anger on yourself and perhaps others? Are you contemplating some sort of revenge? Where are you going to get the “power” you need to resist?
If you can, use this post to begin “journaling”. What are some of the ways you might have been helped after viewing the video and participating in the discussion. Please remember, too, as I pointed out in an earlier post, you’re not just receiving from the group, you’re contributing, too.
Remember, if you want to post a comment, click the little “bubble” next to the post title.