What was the Premise of the Relationship with your X spouse?

I have been thinking about this subject that keeps coming up in my brain again and again! How in the world did we come to pick the “jerk” we did obviously marry who clearly didn’t take those vows very seriously? Today I am glad that the one I did, didn’t and left, because I was young naive, needy of love and healing from a very dysfunctional family environment imprinted on my soul which set me up to make numerous bad choices including ‘my pick’ then for a marital relationship! I am in a far better situation now for having lost that marriage despite how painful that was than I would have been had it of ‘stuck’, I am very sure!

Of all the things we learned in church or school, why didn’t we learn how to consider a partner for life? Why didn’t we learn how to get to know people and get to learn to know ourselves? What in the world helped us formulate what a ”love” relationship looked like and functioned like? What did we look at in the opposite sex, that attracted us? Were we supposed to repeat our parents’ example? Did you? What were our influences? Feel free to write your thoughts or preconceived notions about your younger view of a life-time love.

If you have an answer… stop here and write it in comments. otherwise, if you read on, I want to warn you of a ‘spoiler alert’ now! I will write what I think had a great influence in my world & I suspect many others as well, perhaps subconsciously if not knowingly! So here it goes. Since leaving it open for someone to use their own original thoughts.. and no one responded. I shall point to what I think influenced us. I think each generation will have its own influences, mind you, but I suspect the resources will be similar? When I was a child, I was influenced by fairy tales! Then as I aged I saw sweet home stories like Father knows best, Laura Engels Wilder, the Waltons maybe a movie or romantic play like Climb Every Mountain! Last but not in-the-least, I heard many “love” songs on the radio as I worked outside, or drove about in my driving days, the tear-jerking heart forlorn whining country love songs tears on my pillow.. as well as influenced by many teenage love songs written by teens no less! Oh my, love? What was it? Broken hearts, love lavished upon another with no needs for the ‘self’? Now I would speculate it was more like infatuation with a thrilling feeling that someone else found us even a little bit interesting, handsome, or ‘cute’! No wonder we had bad outcomes with the influence of such dysfunctional thinking relationship values pummeling our minds! Do you remember any of these lyrics?……”Can’t liveif living is without you, can’t live… can’t live anymore……….. “I think we’re alone now, there doesn’t seem to be anyone around,”…” I wanna hold your hand, I wanna hold your hand”….” and when I’m with you I feel happy inside,”……… “kiss me, kiss me, then I’ll know that you are gonna miss me, kiss me”,…………”your love keeps lifting me higher…. than I have ever been lifted before”…….. and we bought it, well some of us did! We look about for someone who will hold us thrill us love us to make us feel alive, …. loved…. important to someone…. not realizing that youth is oh naive, so selfish, self-centered, me-centered, immature, ( we think we know it all!) with our sights set on some goal, please meet my need to be somebody… somebody important to you… just as the love songs say………………….. and then after hooked by a “need” that really isn’t “love” but a form of dysfunction, an unbalanced relationship,… one in that often the “giver”, in order to get, will pick the person hooked into “needing” their presence. Perhaps the other having a different need, perhaps sexual in nature and thus becoming hooked out of sexual closeness instead, thus each getting a “need” met, but it’s without the understanding of real sacrificial love, without an understanding of what it is they have happened into, all too often without intelligent decisions, self-knowledge, and purpose! Who are you? What is your purpose in life? How does this mesh with the person with whom we have started a self-gratifying relationship with? What about the encouragement of each other’s goals, without what’s in it for us, what about simple honor of one another’s differences without name-calling or put-downs, do we touch one another when they are hurting, with a bit of kindness in words or action as needed, Is there a balance of give and take in the relationship? How many of us did a ‘study’ on love? Not many if any of us who have ended up in divorce! I HAVE looked into it pretty deeply since my divorce, to be sure and not have this happen to me again! I was not desiring to go through that kind of hell again! Does any of this ring a bell for anyone? Feel free to write on this page! Go ahead… Just don’t get angry with me if I struck a nerve! Most of those “love songs” were so stupid! This is why I added this web page find under…”Sacrificed 4 (the reason of) selfishness”! ……….Thoughts?……..

2 comments on “What was the Premise of the Relationship with your X spouse?

  1. I completely identify with everything you said! My patents were divorced when I was 3 and experienced the shuffle back and forth as well as watched as my parents embarked on new relationships. It wasn’t a bad childhood, but it certainly wasnt ideal and I struggled with the thought of relationships. I only started dating when I got to college…I had two failed relationships there. The last one lasted 7 years through my graduation until I was 26..he was bipolar so that even made things worse with all the mental challenges on his part. I didn’t date for 3 years until I was 29 and met my now ex- husand who was 4 years younger and still lived with his parents. I felt like I would never meet anyone and fell for him. I figured he was from a good family, so he must possess good values. We were engaged after 6 months of dating a d had a house built and married only 1 1/2 years later. He had some issurs I sensed from the beginning and was overly to impress his family so much that since his dad was a retired cop, he joined the fire company without really talking to me about it….we were married 6 years by then. So thinks just went in a downward spiral after that. He had a need for attention from others and said he wanted to be a ‘hero’. I didnt marry into that lifestyle so we fought a lot. A year after that, I was pregnant with our son. As most women think, i thought maybe, just maybe, he will wsnt to spend time with me again rather than at the fire company. That never happened. He was away more snd more and wasn’t treating me that nice. So I knew it was a matter of time. He tried to leave when my son was 4, but I convinced him to stay. I tried to put that behind me, but knew it would happen again. In 2017, my son was 7 and after months and months of either fighting, him ignoring me, spending all our time in separate rooms or him at the fire company. I approached him to work on things. But he said he ‘signed out’ and wanted a divorce. He lived in the house for 4 horrible months and hevwas the nastiest I ever experienced, and immature to say the least. Would throw used paper towels everywhere, behind furniture, in drawers..everywhere. would hide TV remotes and blame me throw dog poop in the kitchen trashcan…and the list goes on and on. It was horrible. Then he would accuse me of childish things and have hus lawyer send my lawyer letters…it was nonstop. He slept in the living room and I stayed upstairs. It was just the worse time of my life. The thought of divorce was killing me since I really still live my parents divorce and I was 45 at the time. The worse thought was not having my son with me 24/7. The divorce itself took 15 dreadful months. Three months after that, he started a custody suit against me since I have primary custody. It is still going on and he’s taking me to court now in May 2020….this has been going on for almost 2 years. So the last tears have been just horrible and non stop torture. He constantly sends me harassing and accusatory emails or texts all this time, still is. He’s trtung to take primary custody from me. After reflecting, I realized I was married to a narcissist, sociopath and pathological liar. He enjoys torturing me and playing games with me trying to trip me up. He has no ambitions. Cant keep a job (lost 4 jobs from the time my son was born to he was 6). He is a loser beyond all losers. I miss the person I thought I married….not the disgusting and mentally challenged monster he is today. But it kills me about custody…he he trying to prove I’m a bad mother. That is the most hurtful thing as I adore my son and do everything for him because he is my son, my angel. My ex knows I take wonderful care of our son, but he thinks he will prove otherwise. I have the house, a very well paid job, and take care of everything emotionally and financially. Yes, my ex got out of paying child support. I had to pay him a huge amount of money in the divorce since I make over twice he does. Then wanted alimony….i had to bargain with no child support for 4 years. It will be 3 years this year.he helps with nothing…nothing financially, nothing with school tuition or schoolwork etc. I found out he was dating a girl from his work before we decided to divorce…the job I found for him after losing another job! Its unbelievable and I dint know what I did to deserve a life full of crap. Its been 3 years and I’m still haven’t dated. I would like to…but work from home and I dont meet people. So now at 48, I guess I will just suffer through this custody and know that I will have to give up time since PA law isnt on the morhers side like in the past. And I will just concentrate on my son, work, my dogs and my house. I’m afraid to put any trust in someone else since I feel my past will repeat and get hurt again.

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  2. Sherry, My heart goes out to you and I feel your pain. I know that it is difficult and that is “life”. It is hard. It isn’t what we heard in the fairy tales. I want you to know that you are not alone. There are so many girls walking alone in the same shoes as yourself. They picked men that pulled them down instead of up!
    Your X is a loser. Losers have to demean others and put them down and carry on as they do because they have to feel better than they view others, especially their significant others. I wish that maybe there was a way to bring you all together so that you could all know someone else walking in similar shoes. I think then maybe you would not feel so all alone. Maybe I can bring some of you together on this site… we’ll see.
    Your husband doesn’t come to visit your son, contributes nothing and probably doesn’t care about his son. You can prove this looking back over the years of no gifts, cards, phone calls, or outings, right? I just posted some websites that you can join for a fee in most cases I am sure. But I don’t know how much they cost. There are several great choices and I encourage you to check them out. A girl came to our DivorceCare group and spoke of what a relief it was to have found this website. It put an end to his emailing and texting her any times he wished. Every word or communication and notices were only to be communicated through this site. One website has the ability I read, to save all the emails, or even ding him if he was too unkind. The site had a calendar that a child’s school special nights could be written on, in the event the other parent wanted to go to the school function. In this case, the mom was only obligated to look at that communication site once per day. This way she could steel herself for it and be prepared as opposed to surprised.

    On my final note, for now, I want to warn you of something. Happiness is not found in ‘having a mate’ and a marriage! Happiness is found when you can be your own best friend. It is found when you can spend a lot of time alone and find things to do as well as find pleasure in adventures, discoveries, and entertainment that bring you wisdom, understanding, and maturity along with good mental health.
    I have tried to put numerous ideas, pointers, and paths that I or someone else followed to get to a place of contentment and trust that God, the Creator has a purpose for my life into this website. If He has a purpose for my life, then I need experiences to meet that will help me meet that purpose. If there is no pain, there is no gain, one of the 12 step programs say. I hope this gives you a place to perhaps re-group and set about a new course. Your life doesn’t have to be a drag, You need to set some healthy boundaries that protect you, to begin with. Then you’ll be on your way down a path to a new start!

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