X-CHEATER’S spouse’s story

 

Never did Rose even dream of she and the Cheater getting back together, after all this was even the second time! Rose came to DivorceCare in September of 2008, so angry that she would have paid a hit man to kill both the husband and the girlfriend! But then she didn’t want to go to jail for them either! She had a pet name for that girlfriend. WTW! (white trash whore) And that is exactly what she call her, to him. This apparently drove her husband a bit crazy and one night they came nose to nose in a verbal confrontation about the name. Matter of fact even the state police were called out to the house there was such a scene. (Do you want to hear her favorite song? Go to right side link and listen to Before He Cheats song)

 

Rose, who hadn’t gone to church in years and years, decided she was going back to church. She must have heard the Holy Spirits voice and followed because she was there every week, and on top of it all, she began praying for her son to come, she wanted him to know God too. Her prayers were answered one Sunday when her son arrived on Mother’s day in the sanctuary and surprised her as he knew it was a gift she would easily appreciate, and it only cost him a little time. I remember she had tears in her eyes.

 

As far as the ‘X’ was concerned, When he left, he said all the usual things, including, “I don’t love you anymore.” …I want a Divorce, and when are you going to put the house on the market. After that he simply kept asking when the house was going to put on the market. He wanted it put up for sale and he wanted the money. Rose, a strong and stubborn girl said, “No Way! This is MY home, and if he wants out of this marriage he is going to have to pay!”  When he left, he said all the usual things, including, “I don’t love you anymore.”

 

 Rose found herself a friend in DivorceCare and these girls got together fairly often and did things together. Rose and her new friend laughed a lot together, they went to ball games together and took the courses together, they grew emotionally healthy within themselves and grew in their relationships with the Lord.

 

Time trudged on, Rose took all the Relational courses we offered. ‘Safe People’, ‘The DNA of Relationship’, and ‘Love and Respect’. Some of these in fact were marriage classes but she was interested in getting married again, however, this time, things were going to be different. This time God would be first in her world, front and Center!

There was one really big impact on Rose in particular that is worth mentioning. In the Love and Respect class, Rose took, she listened to Mrs Eggrich speak to the perfectionist woman. What she heard blew her mind. “Oh my! I have to apologize to Jeffery! That is me what she is speaking about, I had no idea how that affected him!” And you know what, she did. I don’t know when, but she did it. She recognized her failure/unlovingness as a loving wife in a certain big deal area and took responsibility for that.

 

Apparently Jeff saw something happening in Rose. (When you truly grow and it isn’t an ‘act’, most of the time you aren’t even aware of the nuances of change within.) You may wonder how that happened with so little supposed interaction, but in fact they did go to their sons’ ball games together and her soon to be ‘X’ even sat with her because there wasn’t anyone else he knew! Thus he seem to notice a change in her. She was kinder, didn’t quite act like she did before, and didn’t quite talk like she did before… So he asked her what was different about her. Well she said she was going back to church and she wasn’t putting God on the back burner anymore. Matter of fact she told him, that’s what you should do, get going to church! Matter of fact that wasn’t all he needed, he should go to get some counseling as he clearly had issues big time and the only way she saw any help for him, was that he find God and a counselor.As time went on Rose loved being alone. She saw the benefits of it and went Jeff wanted to come see her one night, she told him “No”, because she wanted to be alone.

 

 

Jeff and his girlfriend broke up, he moved back with his parents, apparently in verbal spat the girlfriend told Jeff he was the problem… and that stuck him as he had hear this somewhere before! Life just wasn’t going very well for him. In a chat with his Rose, she had told him that he had a lot of issues he really needed to work on and furthermore, he should try going to church! So, one Sunday morning he went for his usual coffee and newspaper, took a drive past the church of his choice and went home, dressed up in his suit and off he went, to a church where he knew an old friend who he also knew was the pastor. That man answered a lot of his questions, (he had thought God was just about rules, and no fun.. He had been a man that loved fun!

 

It came time for their son to go to college, and he needed to be driven down to the airport. Her soon to be X asked if she wanted to ride together, and she had no problem with that. On the way home, Dad took mom to breakfast. They sat and began to talk. We aren’t talking surface talk here. they talked.

 

Jeff continued going to his church, and Rose to her’s. Their son didn’t want to see mom get hurt again, and was rather upset when he learned they were “seeing each other”. Mom knew this was her relationship to manage and she ignored but appreciated her son’s concerns. They started to date. Eventually they came to the Love and Respect class (again for her) together.

Rose was not taking any chances. This man had lots to prove of himself. She let him sleep over on on the weekends, but not in her bed oh no she didn’t! It was four years till she let him move back in! Count them people… FOUR LONG YEARS of watching his walk, from leaving till back to cleaving! She had a list she wrote up of things that had to change. No, Jeffrey did not know of the list, nor did he ever find out! (smart ‘card’ player Rose, never show all your cards, never.) That whole list to this day is Rose’s secret. I don’t even know what all is on that list! She will tell you, however, that she expected him to get tested for AIDS and STD’s. He humbly complied. No argument, no snottiness, no questions why…he knew why, and no demeaning attitude or words towards her for her answers.

 

Rose never lead him down the “correct” path, she didn’t “parent him”, she didn’t treat him bad or like a child. Albeit she did tell him You need God and counseling. She watched his walk, and saw for herself a new and different man emerging. She watched, listened and took his behavior in. and after several YEARS, people, (no lack of wisdom in the woman) And so, in 2012, they renewed their vows, bought new rings. It is a beautiful sight to see, God’s love in these wo delightful people. They are a new and very loving warm, couple.

 

I know that what Rose says is true because Rose came to our DivorceCare in  the Sept. of 2008. I saw her pain, I heard her anger, I/we have had the pleasure of watching her grow, hearing of Jeff’s presence back in her life and met him in class. At no point did I feel that he was unsafe nor that I needed to caution Rose. As previously stated, they renewed their vows and they are a delightful couple to listen to. Neither one controls the other, they are on a New Adventure in Life, seeking God’s purposes, relationship with Him, friendship in the family of God as well as a service to Him. One cannot deny the peace,  love, and contentment in them now that God through Jesus Is their Center.

 

We are proud to know them!

 

2 comments on “X-CHEATER’S spouse’s story

  1. Personally I’m so angry and frustrated that my husband hasn’t dealt with anything and hasn’t totally fallen and dealt with everything…I’m being honest. I may sound mean, but I’m so hurt by what he has done and so hurt by the church as a whole by backing him up since he comes of so composed when he’s mad then I do (yes , I show my feelings, and it has hurt me in court and with the church)…I do still love Rob but until he changes and realizes that porn, online sex sites and dating websites and having his girlfriend stay over at his apartment with my children is wrong when we are still married just doesn’t work..yes I made my mistakes during our marriage like Jeff’s wife trying to keep the house clean non-stop and trying to be there for everyone and ignoring my friends (because my husband thought and still thinks you’re only friends can be family members.) That is not what I wanted since my family lived in Virginia, Texas, Canada and England. I’m adopted, that’s another long story which I will share with whoever wants to know about it….Donna this is one reason I want to work at Gaterford…
    We are still married in God’s eyes and the states eyes I will not date until I get divorced even though he has. Even though he hasn’t allowed me to be with kids like the court has stated (back in Jan 2013 50-50 custody) I want my kids to see that even though I could be out when they aren’t here with me, I’m at home alone…waiting for them to return and until I get divorced I will not date…Yes, that sucks but I’m honoring my vows…and no matter what I think I’m married. Yes, I love to go out and dance and let off steam and just dance to forget what is going on…but I’m married and any advance by a man is not taken at all.
    Not that I like to spend every night home and trust me I would like to go over to friends houses and make dinner, work with a youth group, help out with a homeless shelter etc rather than going to a bar…where there is nothing
    I’m watching Bridesmaids and oh my goodness I so feel like my life is like Annie…(the girl in the red dress) .

    I’m going to bed…my kids haven’t called me back tonight of course I pray I get to spend time with them tomorrow afternoon.
    Everyone have a great night! Let me know if you ever want to come over to have dinner etc…I would greatly appreciate the company.

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  2. God I feel your pain. I too am sooooo mad and angry at my wife for throwing me aside to the curb like our 20 years together meant nothing!! The fact that I found out about her and someone else on Fathers day this year will make this day have bad memories for years to come. The sad part is that I still care for her and wish she would change her ways.

    I’m like you, I can’t even consider seeing anyone. I took my vows seriously (not that I was perfect), Sickness and in Health, for Richer or Poorer, etc. They OBVIOUSLY meant nothing to her.

    I’ve dealt with the issues your husband denies is a problem. I found freedom from it through Celebrate Recovery at our church. I’ve found out through counseling that it (porn) is and epidemic in our churches today.

    I’m holding you up in prayer!! Hang in There!!

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