Answer to What is the most difficult thing after marriage? by Doug Armey
https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-most-difficult-thing-after-marriage/answer/Doug-Armey?ch=99&share=c6fa72b5&srid=dHwVv

DeEtta

Your circle should want you to win. Your circle should clap the loudest when you have good news. If they don’t, get a new circle.” || Kristen shared this yesterday and hot dang, she’s right. But I want to say something about this: We aren’t all blessed with a great circle all the time. Two things: One, make sure you’re being someone you’d want in your own circle. And two: No circle is better than a crappy circle. If you’re circle has to be just you and your dog for a little bit, that’s okay! And it’s better than filling your life with people who aren’t cheering you on. Value yourself enough to shrink your circle when you need to. 
A bad hour doesn’t have to mean a bad day, a bad day doesn’t have to mean a bad week, a bad week doesn’t have to mean a bad month. || Things can (and usually will) get better. Don’t mentally throw the whole month out over a bad day. 
Good childcare is worth every penny. || Jack’s nanny is a freaking gem. He loves her, she loves him, I no longer feel like the worst when I pull out of the driveway, and I know he’s safe the entire time I’m gone. This month especially, she’s been a lifesaver. She costs a lot more than I was paying before her, but I am not exaggerating when I say I would eat PB&J every night before I let her go. If you have a kid, I know how stressful childcare can be…but trust me, people like that are out there! Keep trying! 
I can never live up north. || It has been cold (I mean, Florida cold, but still – cold) and I HATE IT. Not that I was planning on jetting off to live somewhere cold anytime soon, but still, good to know. It ain’t for me. 
There is a direct correlation in the media I consume and the way I feel. || I feel like this is pretty much a “duh” kind of thing, but I paid extra attention to it this month. The days I listened to empowering podcasts and positive music were much better days for me. 
Time spent with people I love is always going to be my love language & always going to be worth any effort it takes. || Today, I’m hanging out with one of my best friends. In order to make this happen, we had to plan literal months in advance, she had to take the day off of work, and I have to pay someone to watch Jack. WORTH EVERY STINKIN’ BIT. 
Two things I heard this month that really struck a chord with me: 
“Givers have to set boundaries, because takers rarely will.” -my friend Joey 
“Just a reminder that Mary Oliver’s answer to her question, “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” was to stroll idly through fields noting things. The question out of context could appear to be about achieving more – it’s not.” -Jessica Faith Kantrowitz 
What is January teaching you? 

Again, in Pottstown on the SunPorch, Thursday February 7th 2019 7-9 PM

We are starting with seminar Video #1 “What is happening to me?”

If you are separated, divorcing, divorced or even been divorced quite a few

years but still feel a bit of pain or there are issues between you and the kids,

there is still maybe something within that needs to be healed…? Maybe it is

worth your investment to come and glean whatever you can for yourself.

Interested? Then call me or email and sign up! The only cost o you is a

workbook for $20.00.

Phone: 610-334-6946

email: luvcuddlecats@verizon.net

for extra insights see: https://www.facebook.com/Sunporchchat/

This speaker in video is a guy named Kevin, I heard him as I sat listening to you tube political videos…… He calls his regular videos, Kevin’s Corner. Take a listen to what he has to say about what all is going on in the general popular media today. (CNN types)
He is spot on & has more details that he has astutely picked out & explained than I could even begin to tell!  I like it when I find that I agree with wise people.
He sees the game plan in politics here in the USA and that is just what it is, a mind game that CNN, the View, and every other media outlet & so-called journalist that sounds even remotely like them, are spewing sewage into the minds of all of you who watch, listen to,  believe and repeat them to another soul, in belief that this rhetoric is true! It is poison to your soul.
I am so dismayed and frustrated by this unrelenting continuous evil that I can now see how easily the Biblical book of Revelations will easily come true. Easily.
my piano teacher once said to me, “the masses are asses”. Oh Lord my God, it is so terribly true. God says that the gate through which we seek to enter to heaven is “Narrow”,
but the road to Hell is wide and many enter through it. (Matthew 7: 13-14) I used to think, oh but how could so many buy into that stuff…. but I see it now, even in people who I talk to,
who refuse to have a civil discussion about the state of our society, who don’t care, who for some petty, (yes petty) reason dislike President Trump because….. what about the things
people don’t like about you but are still your friend anyway! I digress… if you are not checking out deeply why your opposition is in opposition… then you are just “blind” to “truth” and
could care less about seeking it. And if that’s the case, then there is not much use in casting pearls before swine! (Matthew 6:7)

Hi all. I felt lead to share this with you guys. Also if anyone has James’s and Paul’s (or the Ladies) numbers feel free to share with them.

So Jake and I went to our old church (LCBC – Harleysville). And below is one of the Scriptures they cited to describe what it looks like to walk with the spirit and without the spirit. It is rare for them to use the message version of the Bible but I believe today this translation spoke not only to myself, but to my son.

“It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. This isn’t the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God’s kingdom.

But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.”
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:19-23‬ ‭MSG‬‬

https://www.facebook.com/Sunporchchat/posts/1747207635346919 How many people do you know who are going through a divorce? How many of you really know what ‘they’ need to hear? How many of you know exactly what to say? The ‘wise’ people will tell them…. “Run just as fast as you can to the nearest open running divorcecare group!” It does not matter if they come on the last night or the first night because most would benefit for remaining in this group, cycling through it several times until they are fairly well grounded and healed! Now I warn you, people who are hurting want to go and hibernate in a squirrel hole somewhere… that may be OK rather than going to a dance party! However, in this group they will find validation, others suffering the same internal pain, and lots of valuable information from fantastic speakers on the seminar videos, encouragement and prayers & answers to prayers! A once local counselor, Leslie Vernick is on these videos adding good words of wisdom. A bottle of clear water looks drinkable until it is shook and the dirt in the bottom is stirred up! There are well known teachers, preachers, psychologists, psychiatrists, and alumni of previous Divorcecare groups from years ago, now healed and living out different lives that are filled with hope, peace, and joy. We have come to see in many cases that God allows hurtful things to come into our lives, because that is when He has our full attention.

Click or copy & copy paste if does not populate.

https://amp.businessinsider.com/why-youre-not-getting-over-your-ex-2018-8?utm_source=quora&utm_medium=referral

https://www.facebook.com/JayShettyIW/videos/2041157322865389/

From her:   “Got the call from Temple’s Transplant team today. They are putting together a testing schedule for me. First all the tests, then it goes to a committee for approval. ( I feel like i’m on American Idol haha)
Need a support person with me at each visit. And a lot of the testing will be in Philadelphia. (Open up your couch Stacey I’m camping out.
In addition, I have to make Dentist appointment, OBGYN appointment, Vision appointment, Nephrology appointment ugh!”

Thank you for your prayers for her situation. I can imagine some of you saying… wish He would answer some of my prayers as fast as that…..  Am I right? Hey I have thought like such myself, -get Real!  Jesus wants us to be loving… thus be happy for her.. not envious or jealous. We have no idea who watches our walk and wonders why we continue to believe as the Enemy continues to throw muck at us. Never forget Job and he had no idea of the conversation between satan and the Lord God! His life was rewarded for trusting God through it all.  Time here is very short even though we suffer much at times. Remember this, Eternity, where the promise told is that there will be no more tears, no more emotional or physical pain or loneliness,  time here, in retrospect from there, will then even more so be a vapor of remembrance. Better to suffer here, for choosing “RIGHTNESS” regardless rejection, regardless doing without, regardless the desire to hurt those who hurt us, if we be a testimony that brings onboard someone else, heaven will be a very fine reward….,  far better than spent in hell for reason of making our “self” come first in the place of God,  forever,……………………………. Yes?

To all my faith believing friends: Amy Voshell Snider is an alumni of DivorceCare back around 2008 or 2009. I know Rose Reigner and Kim Colletti would know Amy I am sure. She is newly married in the past year I believe to the “perfect” man! Thats what she says, I am telling you! Wouldn’t it be interesting to meet him /them! I don’t know how public her FB page is but she needs prayer as often as the Holy Spirit brings her to your mind. She is laying in the hospital, I believe waiting for a heart for transplant. Her heart is stopping completely these days and something similar to a pacemaker starts it up again. Without this, her new husband would be with out her. Praise God for the miracles of science in medicine today or she wouldn’t be even on a waiting list. Somewhere we hope that if its in Gods plan for someone else to graduate to heaven, who days are slso numbered soon to be leaving this time on earth, that maybe the heart will be the right fit for Amy. She requests prayer. I am sure she would appreciate a reach out to her from some of you who remember her as well. I know that

This Word about numbered days is found in Job 14:5-7. A man’s days are numbered. You know the number of his months. He cannot live longer than the time You have set. So now look away from him that he may.

psalm 39:4-13. 4 “ LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered— how fleeting my life is.5 You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.” Interlude 6 We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. 7 And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you. 8 Rescue me from my rebellion. Do not let fools mock me. 9 I am silent before you; I won’t say a word, for my punishment is from you. 10 But please stop striking me! I am exhausted by the blows from your hand. 11 When you discipline us for our sins, you consume like a moth what is precious to us. Each of us is but a breath. Interlude 12 Hear my prayer, O LORD ! Listen to my cries for help! Don’t ignore my tears. For I am your guest— a traveler passing through, as my ancestors were before me. 13 Leave me alone so I can smile again before I am gone and exist no more.

www.facebook.com/alwaysuniverse/videos/2051440905142155/

DeEtta would like you to support $Love Costs Money$ by making a donation and helping spread the word. Monday night 1/22/18 I called my vet and made the appt. I cried all day. I knew Samson was so miserable. He had let me know like two weeks ago he couldn’t go on. I extended his life took him to University of Penn to learn the virus destroyed bone in his sinuses and had finally lead to nasal bone lymphoma that had spread to his liver, spleen and was affecting other things. (To learn this we are in debt to the tune of 7 grande, can you imagine? Pray for us on that bill to pay ) I have cried off & on since, almost hysterical because he was so sweet, so communicative so affectionate so intelligent smarter than all the others… I told him throughout the day I was taking him to the Vet tonight, and I was going to set him free of his misery and pain. He came to my chair at work desk around 5:30 pm looking like he might want to come up on my lap. I brought him up he jumped down, so I just reached and petted his soft haired head. GavinLaRue came over and licked him a bit. When it was time to leave I put him in a high walled bed and carried him to the car. In the car he started purring and rubbing his face on my neck and face and hands. The whole drive he did this n in the office he did this. I think he knew this was goodbye? They put us in a room alone with him. He would stand up n head butt Ricks face then back to me the whole 15 min till vet came in. She stooped down on her haunches and said there were a couple ways she could do this No on ever have me this choice before. She gave him an IM injection that fairly slowly put him to sleep while I held him. But he was still breathing and I still petting and holding him. When his tongue was sticking out eyes open, she said he might be like in dentist chair drugged can hear but don’t care. I didn’t want to be there for the last deadly needle so she took him lie handing over a towel with outstretched baby on it and left to take him to another room while we went to the car. It hurts so-very very bad. I want to awaken from this nightmare. But I know I will not. He is gone.. freed from the pain in his facial bones his body from misery of the virus & lastly the the lymphoma. Here is my story,… the history to this painful night. I was looking for a kitten, I like long hair, reached into the pet shop window box and touched the back of this tiny mite, the purr rang up out of this little thing and he raised his back for more, more more… I had to have him! I brought him home in 2002. He was a character! A little terror at times as he teased and corner Silka in a litter box! At other times as I sat at the kitten table working on a project, he would come to my chair and let out a little cry for help up, I reached my hand down and he would clmib into my palm and wrap his upper paws around my wrist holding on tight as I lifted him up. He would nestle in for a love session until curiosity took him elsewhere. I had a work table near my kitchen sink. It wasn’t too much of a jump for him and the first time he did it he gave me quite a fright as he leaped from the table to my shoulders, swaggered himself around into a comfortable shawl around my neck, with rear paws over the left shoulder, one to the back and one to the front, his face snuggling up to mine on the other side, breathing sniffing and purring, all at the same time. He was the smartest kitty in the house! There came a time over the years that I needed to put the food away behind cabinet doors. He figured that right out. All he had to do was stand on his hind feet and curl two little furry paws around the handle and pull! His eight little pounds were just enough to make that door give. Of course if the door was open, this meant that Samson ate for sure, and probably some that should have only eaten their speciality diet instead. In the fall of 2014 he got sick with some sort of sinus infection. He was about 13 years old then. I took him to the vet and they gave him antibiotics, not a big deal. Only,… he got sick again in about two months. And back I went. This became the continum. Why, I wonder aloud to the vet. “Ah, more than likely he has the herpes virus.” he said. He shrugged his shoulders with a communication about for his age he has lived a good life and it won’t be so long till he’s dead, after all he is thirteen. I could not afford the test. Not all of us who love animals, actually have the money to afford it. But that dosesn’t stop us, does it? I took him to another Vet. She was willing to help me fight for his little sweet life. He was such a very good little patient. tolerant of the doctors pokes and probes and needles. I on the other hand, I took to the internet. I went hunting for anything and everything to help him fight. I even asked the pastor at our that time church to pray for him, after all, God made this sweet little creature. I was always doing what I could to make life better for him. I put normal saline drops up his nose to help keep it wet enough to blow out the mucus. He learned to “blow” when I told him to, I said it so often! Sometimes at 3Am in the night when he could hadrly breath he would come wake me for a couple of drops, by standing on my chest, turning around laying down, stand up and do it all over again. I kept saline drops at the bedside. By Spring 2017, things were getting worse. It was time my vet said to get him a rhinoscopy. How much does that cost? $2500.00! I cannot believe my own ears. Since when did medicine for animal cost as much as it does for humans? All I could do was keep putting charges on the “cards”. I was always asking for antibiotics, or more prednisone, I was ordering Famciclovir which is not cheap, Anything I could learn of to help his immune system fight, anything to keep his from going to a wall and laying there unsocial and in misery. We learned it was the Calicivirus and some other germ. Agin, back to the interent. I bought higher protein foods, liquid vitamis, gave him L-lysine , Vit C, even some of the homeyopathic stuffs like Colloid Silver, Aloe Juice, someone said it fights cancer, …… In the fall of 2017 he had some really good weeks finally. I took him on vacations with us to be sure he got what he needed. I felt all the vitamins were helping. Then he started bleedling from the nose, and getting swollen places on his face. A different antibiotic would throw out the ous and take the swelling down. It was very irritating to have various vets at these 24/7 places touch his face and say, oh that feels like tumor.. despite my telling them, “tumors don’t go back down to normal after giving antibiotic”. But some of them you cannot tell them anything.. and they weren’t there after the treatment to see what I mean, nor were they likey to believe the photographs I showed them. Novemebr 2017 he was doing so well I thoughtI would try to wean him off the predisolone. Maybe this was the worse thing to do but he got sick within two weeks sick like never before. I return to a 24/7 vet hospital place, because don’t these things always happen when your vet cannot be there, its the weekend. The female who was on that night was for some reason a bitch! All I wanted was for someone to help him feel better. Help him breath better, help him be rehydrated. It seems her ego was totally threatened by the fact I knew so much about his illness that I was switching his antibiotics, I was determining for him what he needed or what wasn’t working. She didn’t think that after treating and caring and searching and seeking over 27 months, I actully might know something? How dare I not being a vet be determining these things? With her arms crossed in a haughty manner she said, So what can I do for you? I said, well I think he is dehydrated, he isn’t eating and he isnt drinking, and he is hanging out by the stove. well I can do that for you she said smartly. I added, his face is beginning to swell. She touched his face gently, Well looks like tumor to me……. You need to make an appointment in the morning with the pulmonary doctor you have seen before. I said, well I tried to today, but (on a wednesday) they told me that the software is down and that they would call me on Monday to make an appointment. To this she had nothing to say. I knew if I didn’t do something different he wasn’t even going to make it till Monday if there was help for him. Sure enough the next day his nose started bleeding again. He was looking quite miserable. I called around trying to find the best way to go for him. Someone to,d me to take him down to the University of Penn. They are the best around. That they are….. they are tried to do “a diagnostic workup”.. after all they are doctors still in school but high up the ladder. I was too tired mentally to take charge, to see to it that they only did what was necessary, for him. One of the sweet doctors there told me , “You have taken very good care of him.” I am still not sure what she meant, was it length of life? His appearance? .. (It took me half an hour a day to prepare his vitamins crush, put in a sweet high cal mix, clean his nose, and sweet talk him, and eye dropped into the side of his mouth, right down to his favorite part.. giving him some-make-him handsome-again-brushin. If he got to far out of my reach, I would say… come back here if you want more brushin…. and he would come back around for another stand still sweep. Now and again I got a little head butt in the knee, I guess expressing some appreciation yet for me despite the yucky tasting vitamins given he. I don’t know why it seems these things so often happen to me. I took him to HUP Thursday. evening. They called Friday morning to ask me what they could do. They said they wanted to do the facial CT.. I said go ahead… but they didn’t somehow get that. and so it was prolonged until the following Wednesday. They found other things to do to make my bill run up. We think we should do more lab tests, we should really do an ultrasound of his belly and see why some of his liver enzymes are up.. his calcium is too high, maybe we should do an FNA on the nodule on his liver…NO! When they finally did the CAT scan of his face. Guess what…NO TUMOR. However, they did another rhinoscopy and took bx’s of his nasal bone tissue……Large B- cell Lymphoma. And now you know the basic story. I am crying again as I miss my smart little smart…..loving….. purring…… huggy…….. buddy. I woud have told you two years ago that there is no way I would spend this kind of money on and elderly pet. But then, I didn’t know I would be so enthralled with his personality, I didn’t know that he understood so many things, I didn’t know he was so smart he knew he needed me nd the help of the doctors to keep going on… He understood my love for him, and he knew before I did, it was time for him to go. So I have spent us into great debt more than we can afford over these three years making some bills missed and some later being paid. My husband wondered about bankrupcy, but we would losing the housing for not only us, but the rest of our pets. And besides that, the bills really are my responsibility, not his. So, I thought for all the other cat lovers who know how it is and understand, perhaps you would help me with this final hospital bill that filled up my Care Credit Card, which I paid off once when my elderly aunt died, a blessing in itself, otherwise we wouldn’t have gotten any help, insight, extensed days or answers, for my sweet Samson dear. May he greet me at Heavens gates and ride my shoulders round heaven forevermore. If you do, I do Thank you forever so much. PS. I recommend this wonderful book called “Cold Noses At the Pearly Gates” by Gary Kurz View Campaign What is GoFundMe? GoFundMe is a personal fundraising website that has helped thousands of people raise millions of dollars for the things that matter to them most. This email was sent on behalf of DeEtta Lerch via GoFundMe. Don’t want these emails? Unsubscribe

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Very soon now, Thursday Feb 1 st @ 7PM we will begin the next round of 13 weekly seminar series of videos. To reserve a seat please sign up as we only have room for twelve, this keeps it comfortable, easy for all to share & know each other.
email: luvcuddlecats@verizon.net or go to
http://www.DivorceCare.org plug in Pottstown zip code 19464, search for DivorceCare on the Sunporch or tell folks to go to go to FB search @Sacrificed4Selfishness and email from there!

There are videos here that I that I am not sure if they copied over to FB page or not. Which ever sight works, send anyone in need to the page!  Thank you I am sure all will be glad to learn more about this National Organization of DivorceCare.  Hope to hear from all who want to come soon!    Rick & DeEtta   A workbook will cost you $20.00, please come prepared!

What do 'YOU' do when you are in 'emotional' pain? Recently, someone said to me, "You have to find something different to use to 'soothe' the pain." Hummm, well I love to look up definitions, so check this out. To soothe means several things, but in this case I am specifically using this definition: to exert a soothing influence; bring tranquillity, calm, ease, or comfort.

Quite frankly, I use 'sugar' or better said, eating, sipping, picking, nibbling, tasting, snacking, sweet,
sometimes salty, always yummy items on the taste buds, roast a marshmallow over the stove burner, all usually while mulling over things. You know, past the lips straight to the hips… or belly, no matter, it is very poor care of my 'temple' not to mention addictive and rather unsightly in my full length mirror at times! So, Yes I must change this! Furthermore, I realize that after all my years of living, "pain" just isn't going away! Matter of fact it seems as I am getting older, it is even more frequent a visitor. 'Age' brings knowledge that hurts, well really knowledge of all kinds. I do trust the Lord! He is going to use the hurt, the stress, the upheaval, the illness, the job loss, the changes I am not prepared for,… to move me forward towards my eternal destination and continue to shape my character to be more like Jesus. However, this does NOT annihilate pain!

This internet thing can bring some interesting options to mind fast when all one has to do is "Google it"! So that is what I am doing in my spare time, looking for ideas people have written and floated out there on this. So what you got to offer up?

Since many of you are experienced at this, (feeling pain) I am putting out the question to you! What positive action or choice do you know is good, right, and works well for you much of the time? Thank you right up front a while, because I am sure I am not the only one who will benefit, but many others here will too!

{This is TRUTH, I have been bold when a couple we knew were fighting and one was ready to leave…. I said, you aren’t going any where if you want to please God. Furthermore, you walk out that door, you are telling her you give up, and you aren’t fighting for anymore.’ No one wants to think they aren’t worth hanging in with the fight, until it comes to some kind of resolution! And not one ofgiving ip on love. This story is beautifully accurate. So get to it and READ!!!!!! If you know marriages that are struggling or headed towards separation or Divorce, send to each person! Send to acquaintenances you don’t know well, so they know you know & you care! Lastly, perhaps post to your page where maybe a situation you don’t know about, is quietly unfolding badly, pray for strength to be HONEST, KIND, & LOVINGLY firm, should you enter a conversation that calls for this kind of genuine, authentic, real, caring, LOVE. Then PRAY for them. We live in a cultural environment that essentially says, “If it feels good, do it!”, or, “Hey you deserve Happiness, after-all doesn’t God want you to be Happy?” !!! That, people, is the Snake talking! Do not be decieved! ~Dee}

For Every MomMenu

We Told Our Friends “We’re Getting Divorced”—Their Response? Changed Everything

Ours was a fairytale wedding, but after two years we announced we were getting divorced. Then our friends and family did something we did NOT see coming.
Tammie Haveman By Tammie Haveman
Ours was a fairytale wedding. Madly in love, tears of joy streaming down our cheeks, we promised unwavering devotion to each other for better or worse.

When we were declared husband and wife, I thought my happily ever after was about to commence.
Only it didn’t.
It turned out that marriage was not what either of us expected. We brought into it two imperfect people who struggled to find our footing as we navigated old baggage, misunderstanding and conflict.
We said things we shouldn’t have said and each demanded our own way. We doused every argument with fire and allowed selfishness to seep into the fabric of our relationship.
And though we read all the books and prayed all the prayers, we nearly buckled under the weight of the perfect image we’d created for our relationship. After all, we were the quintessential Christian couple. We loved Jesus. We were supposed to be nailing this marriage thing.

IMG_3592
Our fledgling marriage quickly spiraled downward. And within two years, as young and defeated adversaries, we stood at the edge of divorce ready to jump.
Sometimes I’m haunted by how close we came to walking away from our marriage. By the world’s standards of a happy marriage, no one would’ve blamed us. Because we were miserable and had grown apart in every sense of the word.
But we were given a gift of immeasurable value: truthful words spoken by faithful friends.
As we slowly revealed the impending devastation of our marriage to family and friends, we were met with one overwhelming response: not on our watch.
I logged countless nights sitting cross legged on the floor of my bedroom, forehead pressed against the mattress, sobbing as I poured out our troubles to my friend Kim. She listened for hours at a time, wisely coaching me to love my husband and walk in a manner pleasing to the Lord. She always reminded me that my behavior was my own responsibility and advised me to treat my husband with respect – regardless of how I felt about him.

When Dave lamented to Kim’s husband, Dan how unfortunate it was that our marriage was ending, Dan pointedly told him no, it wasn’t. He reminded Dave of the vows he made before God and family and clearly stated that he expected Dave to live up to the commitment he made.
Dave’s parents stepped in with unwavering encouragement and gentle admonition to keep our covenant before God. My mom, having been down the road of divorce, offered endless compassion and urged me to fight for my marriage knowing divorce would be far worse.

Other friends and family who knew our marriage was crumbling covered us in prayer and love but didn’t stop there. They weren’t afraid to hold us accountable to our vows and our own behavior.
Looking back, Dave and I marvel that no one … NO ONE … told us what we wanted to hear or let us off the hook of the commitment we made. In fact, we laugh today at the choice words we wanted to fire back when hard words were spoken to us in love.
We are grateful that after supporting us through the storms of our early marriage, key friends and family continued to walk with us for the next eighteen years, speaking Godly truth through seasons of trials and joy.
friends
Real love has the courage to say hard things.

The world tries to tell you that happiness is simply a matter of putting yourself first. A true friend will remind you that selfishness is the cancer of relationships, especially marriage, and that love always puts others first.

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4
The world tries to tell you that a good marriage is full of romantic feelings. A true friend will remind you that feelings are fleeting and a good marriage is full of commitment and hard work.
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
The world will tell you to run when the going gets tough. A true friend will remind you that your vows matter and encourage you to keep walking through the fire. Because there will be deeper love and great joy on the other side if you don’t give up.
If a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. Numbers 30:2
Had we given up, we would’ve thrown away the most treasured relationship in each of our lives. We are by no means perfect, and neither is our marriage, but we are best friends. We are closer, stronger, more committed and far more in love now than we were twenty years ago as naive kids looking for a fairy tale.
I realize that there are grave issues that can lead a couple to divorce and not every marriage can be saved. But the most cited reasons for divorce are things like communication problems, arguing and unmet expectations. And studies have shown that most couples regret their divorce in the long run. Still our society is quick to usher couples down the path of divorce towards a mirage of happiness. This ought not be so.
Maybe you know someone who is struggling in their marriage. Have the courage to speak gentle truth over them. Always with tenderness and covered in prayer, wade into the weeds with that weary couple to encourage them in their marriage. Let truth drown out the lies that the world doles out about marriage and happiness. And point them to the Lord every step of the way.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. Proverbs 27:6

photo credit: alisonleaphoto.com
photo credit: alisonleaphoto.com

This article originally appeared at Twenty Shekels.

Tammie Haveman

By Tammie Haveman

Tammie is the wife to a gem of a husband and mama to four of the nicest kids you’ll ever meet. She chases her kids and a menagerie of horses, goats, and chickens around her little hobby farm out in the Minnesota countryside. Tammie is passionate about God’s command to love and serve others in community. She plays an active role in women’s ministry at her church and serves as assistant director of a nonprofit that wraps around isolated kids and families. Tammie blogs about hospitality, faith, and serviceat http://www.twentyshekels.com. You can also catch her on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, and LinkedIn.